So that’s it, then. Boris the god of Brexit has spake, and he has said NO, and that’s it. All over. Take down the Saltires, and store them with your dreams of living in a normal modern country. Boris won’t let us, and that’s all there is to it. All hail Alister Jack as the mastermind of putting Scotland back in its box. Turns out those Unionists were too darn good for us all along – now it’s surely time for all of us to accept we were wrong, and go back to licking Westminster’s boots like the good little Jocks that some of us already are. They were fun while they lasted, those dreams of normality, but it’s time to wake up and smell the Union Jack-infused coffee, isn’t it?
Aye, right. As. Fucking. If.
Fact is, it’s time to go on the offensive. You may, like everyone else, have spent the last couple of days stewing with unimaginable rage that a slavering, conniving, lying, backstabbing spineless goon like Boris de Piffle Johnson is going to tell anyone what to do. The impotent fucknugget can’t even tell his own penis what to do. What chance does he have of telling us what to do?
He has one chance – if, and only if, we take him seriously, and accept his witless waffle at face value. If we don’t, then he doesn’t. It’s really that simple.
As a sign of how seriously we should be taking his threats, it’s time we invaded England, and it’s time we did so mob-handed, and democratically.
Sooner or later, England will have a parliamentary by-election, and history suggests it won’t be long before one of England’s many hundreds of MP’s drops dead or gets arrested, leaving a vacancy in Westminster’s ‘hallowed’ benches.
The question is – do we not want that vacancy filled with anyone but a Tory? And even if it’s going to be filled with another Tory, anyways, don’t we want to make that feckless, brainless political spoiled-brat fight, and sweat, and squirm?
Of course we do, on both counts. More important than that, we all know that Labour aren’t capable of putting up any sort of a fight, far less make anyone sweat or squirm.
Let’s see the SNP contest seats in England. It only costs £500 to put up a candidate in a by-election. If we really believe our way is just and fair, surely even one English by-election would be the best £500 ever spent? The Monster Raving Loony Party can afford to do it. We can, too.
Tories need to be made to explain why HS2 is going to be paid for by people in Bristol and/or Norwich. Tories need to be made to justify the bedroom tax in Leeds, or the cost of Buck House repairs in poverty-stricken Blyth Valley. Why shouldn’t the Tories in Birmingham be made to explain why people there pay for prescription medicine when people in Dundee don’t? Or the Tory candidate in Middlesbrough explain why taxes to pay for Trident are necessary, rather than investing in mental health, or Middlesbrough’s young people, or housing?
And why shouldn’t we make sure that the wannabe Tory in question – Launcelot Rees-mogg, or Gloriana de Piffle Johnson, or Achilles Gove – is ridiculed and pilloried for whatever claptrap comes out of her or his lying, greedy gub? We all know Boris de Piffle will never have the ability or the backbone to debate anything, just like his predecessor Theresa May, but his wannabe minions have to. Let’s be there, and let’s make the ratbag as uncomfortable as possible.
It’s difficult not to feel desperately sorry for the ordinary people in England. Whisper it, but they’ve never had a real third choice, the poor souls. For them to get up off their arse and cast a vote, they have to have something to believe in. Lots of them haven’t had that since the miners strike, and some of them for a lot longer than that.
Why not at least try to give them a third choice? We trust us. Why wouldn’t they? Most of the ordinary people of England aren’t so different from us, really. Imagine if all you’d ever had was a choice of Labour or Tories. Wouldn’t you be screaming in frustration for something else? Well, it’s better us than Nigel Garage’s Shexit Party, surely. At least we have a sense of humour. And honour. Oh, and integrity.
At the very least, we’d make both big parties shit themselves. Remember how Scotland was pre-2011? We were a Tory-Labour carve-up. You’ll recall, if you’re old enough. Are either Tories or Labour going to want a credible, sensible third-party alternative there on a regular basis? No, they are not. They don’t mind the Lib-Dems, because the Lib-Dems challenge nothing. That isn’t our way, is it?
Let’s see the SNP contest seats in England. For £500 we get publicity that £500 couldn’t buy. More than that, we get to tell our side of the story. It’s the side that people in England never get to hear.
Let’s see the SNP contest seats in England. The first one won’t win, and nor will the second, but the third will split the vote, and the fourth (still only spent £2 000, mind), or the fifth, or the sixth, ot the seventh – well, that might just put this Tory government in another nightmare entirely, mightn’t it? They’d not stand in the way of our referendum then. They’d positively welcome it, to be rid of us, to keep control. That’s what we want, isn’t it? Once WE are free, those people in Bristol amd Leeds and Blyth Valley and Birmingham and Middlesbrough won’t stop asking questions – they’ll only just have started.
Wait…..did someone just say the 7th by-election might see an SNP candidate returned as an MP? No, that isn’t right. The 70th, maybe. Make no mistake, any SNP candidate in England is doomed to failure. At the very worst, though, any SNP candidate can follow the old motto “Slate the Tories, praise the Greens” and direct anyone who has an ounce of fellow-feeling to vote for Patrick Harvie’s Southern counterparts. They are the real internationalists in England. They’d be easily the second-most sensible vote for any Englishwoman or man.
Gloves off, Boris? Let’s start, dumbass.